Dear Frontier Communications,

I would like to request that you change your name from Frontier Communications to Frontier Irritations.

There is this installed device thingy that beeps noise and blinks lights. The wording next to the blinking red light says that the battery needs to be replaced, but I do not see how or where to replace a battery. I checked your website and it tells me that if the red light is blinking, the battery needs to be replaced. Yeah, I sort of figured that out by reading the instructions next to the blinking light. There is no information instructing HOW to change the battery. This is not helpful.

Your email contact form requires me to select a sub-topic, but it will not allow me to select the sub-topic.

Your email contact form also requires me to enter an account number. There is a string of numbers and spaces on my bill next to where it says "Account Number." There is a box around some of the numbers. I wonder if this is the account number. The example on your website links to a picture of a Verizon bill and directs me to select a different set of numbers on my bill. This is not helpful.

The above scenario represents the antithesis of "communications."  This is why I am requesting that you change your name from Frontier Communications to Frontier Irritations.

Shadow Narcissists of the Interwebs, Relax!

After reading Shadow Workers of the World, Revolt!, I sat back and thought for a while. Wow. The way this article reads, you'd think we were all being forced to either create a Facebook account and spew out our private thoughts and personal data or...DIE!!!

Technology is such a drag, isn't it? 

It changes the way we're expected to live our lives. Personally, I'm pissed off at Henry Ford. Thanks to that bastard, I have to travel by car instead of by horse. I love horses. I hate cars. Think of all the carriage-drivers, horse trainers, and farriers who have been put out of work.

Now, about those annoying auto-checkout stands, I don't much like them either. However, consider that it might be reasonable for a store to install auto-checkout stands to be able to handle spikes in customer traffic without having to hire extra employees to stand around just in case it gets busy for 15-30 minutes.

I suspect the assistant manager who was offering to help a customer through the self-checkout was not, in fact, trying to screw over her fellow employees, but was only attempting to help get customers through the checkout faster. I commend the "nice" assistant manager for maintaining a friendly demeanor while being accused of corporate bullying and job elimination.

I'm on the Internet = Wrecking Society! Really? 

Accusing Facebook of abusing users who post stupid shit on the internet is like blaming air for causing people to say stupid shit in public.

Asshattery has been around long before the internet, before cars, before the invention of the wheel. It is not a product of watching television, playing video games, or using the internet.

No one is being forced to create a Facebook account. No one is being forced to use Foursquare. No one is being forced to share their personal information on the internet.

Now, is the internet threatening jobs? Hmm...

https://www.facebook.com/careers/
https://twitter.com/jobs
http://www.amazon.com/gp/jobs
http://www.google.com/intl/en/jobs/index.html

The Spies Among Us

Companies and marketing groups have been "spying on" consumers long before the internet existed.

Remember those warranty registration cards you used to have to send in for products? How about contests? Publishers Clearing House? Magazine subscriptions? Consumer incentive programs... collecting box tops, earning mileage points, product rebates? SPIES! All of them. They used to do this via other forms of media, and still do, but now they do it via the internet.

My response to this: So? What?

I can't help but picture a bunch of "shadow" secret agents sitting at their computers all day spying on me. I mean, imagine what they must be learning about me from my Facebook page. Uh oh! What if they find out that I like horses? Oh My. GAWD! And that I have cats? NOOOooooo! That was supposed to be a secret! Even more worrisome, what if they find out that I like to caption cat pictures?!!

What if no one's actually interested in stalking you? 

Imagine the type of person who thinks oneself so bloody important to be worthy of the entire world wanting to spy on this person's every move.

This may be disappointing to some, but unless you're one of those featured on the covers of trash gossip magazines or a wanted criminal, no one really cares that much about your every move.

Marketers just want to know about the types of products and services you use, or might use, so that they can advertise to the right audience. They're not really out to "get" you.

Is it such a bad thing for companies to want to know about their target audience? If only we could "choose" what types of advertisements were presented to us on television. I'd much rather hear about pet-care products than have to sit through commercials telling me to ask my doctor about such-and-such medication to reduce hair-loss but might cause swelling in the unmentionables followed by spontaneous bowel combustion.

Fear Begets Fear 

I suspect media conglomerates and the government are the ones most uncomfortable with the idea of people being able to share information on the internet. Before the internet came along, it was a lot easier to control information fed to the masses. If we all just stopped using the evil internet, the media could go back to censoring the news, limiting our communications with the world, and controlling our beliefs and behaviors.

It's your choice how, or if, you want to use the internet. Whatever your choice, please don't play the part of "victim" and take it out on innocent grocery clerk assistant managers.

And now, I really have to get back to creating an idealized image of my life via photos and status updates as a way of flattering my own ego.

THIS IS ONLY A TEST

Only this is a test. This only is a test. This is only a test. This is an only test. This is a test only.